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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
