Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

---

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

---

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

---

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

---

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

---

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

---

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

---

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

---

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

---

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

---