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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
