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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
