If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

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It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

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Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

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This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

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Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.

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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

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Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

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