More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
