Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

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If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

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The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

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The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

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Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

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Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

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Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

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I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

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