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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
