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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
Give a man a suicide bomb, he blows up once. Teach a man to suicide bomb, he also blows up once.
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
