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More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
