Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

---

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

---

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

---

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

---

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

---

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

---

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

---

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

---

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

---

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

---