If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

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Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

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Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

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Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

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Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

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An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

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Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

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There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

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Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

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I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

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