More Quotes by Stephen Colbert
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness — just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
