Now every girl is expected to have: Caucasian blue eyes, full Spanish lips, a classic button nose, hairless Asian skin with a California tan, a Jamaican dance hall ass, long Swedish legs, small Japanese feet, the abs of a lesbian gym owner, the hips of a nine-year-old boy, the arms of Michelle Obama, and doll tits. The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.

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Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing!

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Just say yes and you'll figure it out afterwards.

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Don’t waste your energy trying to educate or change opinions; go over, under, through, and opinions will change organically when you’re the boss. Or they won’t. Who cares? Do your thing, and don’t care if they like it.

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To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.

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There are no mistakes only opportunities.

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A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

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You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.

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Whatever the problem - be part of the solution

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Do your thing and don't care if they like it.

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