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Quotes

Total 17737 Quotes

Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was "Don't.

The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.

You can teach an old dog new tricks. You just don't want to see the dog doing them.

The three ingredients of a successful union between two ... humor, commitment & undying love.

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

I'm not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it, I don't know when I lost it, I don't really think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job...and I don't want it!

I am not afraid of crashing, my secret is . . . just before we hit the ground, I jump as high as I can.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

The first step in a fascist movement is the combination under an energetic leader of a number of men who possess more than the average share of leisure, brutality, and stupidity. The next step is to fascinate fools and muzzle the intelligent, by emotional excitement on the one hand and terrorism on the other.

― Bertrand Russell

Bertrand Russell

My first advice (on how not to grow old) would be to choose you ancestors carefully.

― Bertrand Russell

Bertrand Russell

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